3 Reasons to Reconnect with Your First Boss, 5 Other Relationships to Rekindle

When I had lunch with a good friend and professional colleague (he’s now 75 years old) while visiting New York City recently, we simply picked up where we left off 12 years ago. That evening, I spent time with another gracious friend and mentor (now 89), and, likewise, our conversation flowed naturally from our last meeting 22 years ago.

Good friend and gracious friend after 12 and 22 years of separation? Wrong words? Am I fabricating relationships that no longer exist?

It’s true that occasionally I feel like the person who, if he wants to be your best friend, there is nothing you can do about it. However, most of the time I don’t consider myself a cling-on nor a sentimentalist. My self-esteem is reasonably high, so it’s not that.

I just have tribal instincts and the DNA of a social networker. I happen to truly like staying linked, no matter how much time intervenes, with interesting people who are quotable and affirming, with whom I have some history, and from whom I gain nothing financially. I considered them friends years ago; why would they not be friends now? And if you asked them if I was their friend, they would say, yes.

What I have found is that, at first, friends formed in previous lives are cordial when I suggest getting together after a long stretch of time. I can hear an ever so slight undertone of puzzlement, though. Yet they never put me off – in fact, their demeanor turns warm – and they flex their schedule to book time with me. Often, my friend will say that our get-together has reminded him that he, too, needs to renew friendships with people he once prized but, regretfully, with whom he has let the relationship lapse.

So, as my former corporate mate and funny friend John, whom I haven’t seen in 10 years, used to say as I blathered on and on, “What’s your point, Rich?” It’s this:

Periodically rewiring yourself back to the people who connected you to life-shaping experiences, ideas, and influentials will remind you of who you were, snap you out of who you may be pretending to be, and set priorities for who you want to be.

Sorry, John, I have to add a corollary:

The joy of enduring, albeit interrupted, friendships is far more life-giving than the cheap thrill of networking-by-numbers.

So, pick someone you remember warmly – your first boss, for instance — and surprise him or her with a handwritten letter (okay, an email or call can suffice).

3 likely outcomes from that contact.

1. You will not know what to say, nor will your former boss – at least at first. That’s because, of course, what you had in common has dissipated – or so you think. Small talk for awhile in your letter or call. Then, say something that has long stuck in your mind and soul about that person, something memorable, something he said that made you turn left in your career rather than right, some parable of his that you have passed on or should have passed on to a younger colleague of yours. If you write, edit out the mushiness on the second draft: make it more affirmation than affection.
2. Your old boss will respond with surprise and appreciation. She likely will tell you that all is well in her life despite the early signs of her husband’s dementia and that she continues to enjoy her work but finds more meaning in stuffing envelopes for breast cancer awareness campaigns. And she will make wonderful comments about your contributions when you worked for her and even more wonderful accolades about who you are as a good person. This is the stuff you knew, or rather have always wanted to believe. But now you have it from someone for whom time has not skewed your true worth.
3. You will be inspired to repeat the reconnecting exercise with others. And you should. But wait a month. Let the good feelings and the memories distill for awhile. Get beyond the sincere words from an outsider and translate them as truisms about you. Then, go ye into the world and do likewise.

When you’re ready for the next batch of revived friendships, here are
5 people to consider.

1. The administrative assistant to the executive with whom you dealt the most. She or he was the kindly gatekeeper to someone you needed to achieve your goals. But, equally important, she taught you, perhaps subtly, how to negotiate your way through power.
2. The CEO who served the organization faithfully and effectively but who may have overstayed and was removed, maybe unceremoniously. He could use some psychological backfilling – so could you, perhaps — about the rich tradition of the organization and the often unheralded contributions of employees – like yours.
3. The consultant who went miles beyond compensated time not only to produce results that made you look good but to teach you how to think. Money was his or her reward at the time, but a word of appreciation will be much richer now.
4. The colleague who never let you get too serious about yourself. He may not have been that spectacular in his job, but he sure could figure out how the two of you could get the really important stuff done, without the politics and propaganda.
5. Yourself. What a strange idea. I don’t want to go too far into your psyche, but try this: write yourself a letter that reminds you of what you tried to do two or three jobs ago, some regret at having failed occasionally, and a paragraph on why you were good, real good at what you attempted to do. Mail it, but don’t open the letter when it arrives. You won’t have to.

Richard Skaare 05.20.09

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